21 November:
waiting for an epiphany
that’s not entirely true: although I wouldn’t really call this
an epiphany because just about anyone could see this—but Culi and Julie
are really wonderful people.
when I arrived at Loja today on the verge of tears (I’ll get there) they didn’t do the whole “oh but what’s wrong? don’t cry!” shpeel which usually just makes me feel worse, but just kind of let me do my thing, and then tried to cheer me up. they offered to be my back-up (I was unfortunately on my way to a conversation class followed by a thanksgiving)—and come as clowns if I needed a few laughs. although the image of them as clowns kind of terrifies me
.
so how did I find myself crying at Loja? to be honest, I’m not quite sure. I knew that the holidays would be difficult being away from home—but it’s not even thanksgiving proper (and I’ve spent plenty of thanksgivings away from home), but I think I’ve been getting a lot of “cultural grit” (the residual effects of culture shock) under my nails—and it wears on me.
but in addition to grappling with the more mundane people honking while you walk home alone late at night (as if I’m not already aware of the fact that I’m alone and I’m a woman and it’s nighttime), today I had the realization that there are a lot of things I can’t change, I’m not in control of. And I really hate that—because for me that’s the first step in killing creativity is accepting powerlessness, of just taking things as they are. and it all comes back to the student parliament. and politics. and the unfortunate realization that however much we try to hold free and fair elections—that doesn’t ensure that free and fair governance will follow.
no siree bobba.
because student politics—even things like chairing the coordinator of the student clubs—is inherently a political position. and where there is political power, and politics (and money!) more generally speaking, dirty things follow. And I feel like we’re getting to that part of the student parliament’s life-cycle: we’ve done the elections, and now things are only going to get uglier as money gets fought over, territories get staked out and marked and people get marginalized. and I really don’t know what we—the commission, staff, the administration— can do about that. or, perhaps more poignantly, what will there is to do anything about that.
let me remind you all that the views expressed here are mine and mine alone and do not reflect the university or Fulbright or the state dept or anyone else.
I keep coming back to a lecture I attended while in Belgrade where the professor was talking about the difference between guilt and responsibility (in relation to Hannah Arendt, but that’s another story). She said that guilt is purely individual—but responsibility, that can be both individual and collective. she then shared that a colleague of hers after the war calculated the number of bullets the Serbian government could have bought using just her tax dollars (which she paid during the time of war). is she responsible for those bullets? [I think she might have even gone further with her calculations—along the lines of number of bullets spent/civilian killed—so how many people did my bullets kill during the war? but I don’t really want to go there intellectually, it’s a little to much for midnight].
I know I can’t feel guilty for what the student parliament chooses to do—but can I feel responsible?
it’s a heavy thing to carry. even to eye before picking it up for the long haul. because I’m not sure I trust this thing we have created and I don’t know how to say “well, that’s no longer my problem because I am not the student parliament. I am not guilty of those crimes (figuratively speaking—I hope it’s not going to be engaged in illegal activity).” but I still feel responsible in-advance for all the trouble that might yet come. this too is my beast, my Frankenstein. (or at least it could be, I’m in a bit of a pessimistic mood (if you couldn’t tell) right now and don’t have all that much faith in them turning into altruistic do-gooders).
further complicating things—we’re supposed to train the newly elected parliamentarians—but it’s really really really unclear how much authority we (the trainers) have and how easily the parlimentarians will be able to access people who can say “yes” or at least half a yes while we are saying “no.’ (for example: no you can’t have your budget until you finish this training (sounds reasonable, eh?). This is what the board said (so what we are doing), but we’re going to need some serious back up on that one to convince the students who want to go to Albania next week (which, oddly, I learned from a student at the neighboring university—which means it’s already been decided among those who will make the decisions). and thirty against three foreign women—well, it’s probably not going to be pretty). this meeting is monday and I’m already really nervous. because if we (three staff members, non-citizens, non-political) can be intimidated by these guys, how can we expect students to stand up to them?
but seriously. how?
today it frustrated me to the point of tears—and I became upset not only by feeling totally stuck, powerless to change things, but terrified that I’ve given in to this way of thinking-a way of being totally foreign to me. powerless? how can I feel that? write it? speak it? believe it? and yet where do I find empowerment?
and so, I’m waiting for an epiphany.
when I arrived at Loja today on the verge of tears (I’ll get there) they didn’t do the whole “oh but what’s wrong? don’t cry!” shpeel which usually just makes me feel worse, but just kind of let me do my thing, and then tried to cheer me up. they offered to be my back-up (I was unfortunately on my way to a conversation class followed by a thanksgiving)—and come as clowns if I needed a few laughs. although the image of them as clowns kind of terrifies me
.
so how did I find myself crying at Loja? to be honest, I’m not quite sure. I knew that the holidays would be difficult being away from home—but it’s not even thanksgiving proper (and I’ve spent plenty of thanksgivings away from home), but I think I’ve been getting a lot of “cultural grit” (the residual effects of culture shock) under my nails—and it wears on me.
but in addition to grappling with the more mundane people honking while you walk home alone late at night (as if I’m not already aware of the fact that I’m alone and I’m a woman and it’s nighttime), today I had the realization that there are a lot of things I can’t change, I’m not in control of. And I really hate that—because for me that’s the first step in killing creativity is accepting powerlessness, of just taking things as they are. and it all comes back to the student parliament. and politics. and the unfortunate realization that however much we try to hold free and fair elections—that doesn’t ensure that free and fair governance will follow.
no siree bobba.
because student politics—even things like chairing the coordinator of the student clubs—is inherently a political position. and where there is political power, and politics (and money!) more generally speaking, dirty things follow. And I feel like we’re getting to that part of the student parliament’s life-cycle: we’ve done the elections, and now things are only going to get uglier as money gets fought over, territories get staked out and marked and people get marginalized. and I really don’t know what we—the commission, staff, the administration— can do about that. or, perhaps more poignantly, what will there is to do anything about that.
let me remind you all that the views expressed here are mine and mine alone and do not reflect the university or Fulbright or the state dept or anyone else.
I keep coming back to a lecture I attended while in Belgrade where the professor was talking about the difference between guilt and responsibility (in relation to Hannah Arendt, but that’s another story). She said that guilt is purely individual—but responsibility, that can be both individual and collective. she then shared that a colleague of hers after the war calculated the number of bullets the Serbian government could have bought using just her tax dollars (which she paid during the time of war). is she responsible for those bullets? [I think she might have even gone further with her calculations—along the lines of number of bullets spent/civilian killed—so how many people did my bullets kill during the war? but I don’t really want to go there intellectually, it’s a little to much for midnight].
I know I can’t feel guilty for what the student parliament chooses to do—but can I feel responsible?
it’s a heavy thing to carry. even to eye before picking it up for the long haul. because I’m not sure I trust this thing we have created and I don’t know how to say “well, that’s no longer my problem because I am not the student parliament. I am not guilty of those crimes (figuratively speaking—I hope it’s not going to be engaged in illegal activity).” but I still feel responsible in-advance for all the trouble that might yet come. this too is my beast, my Frankenstein. (or at least it could be, I’m in a bit of a pessimistic mood (if you couldn’t tell) right now and don’t have all that much faith in them turning into altruistic do-gooders).
further complicating things—we’re supposed to train the newly elected parliamentarians—but it’s really really really unclear how much authority we (the trainers) have and how easily the parlimentarians will be able to access people who can say “yes” or at least half a yes while we are saying “no.’ (for example: no you can’t have your budget until you finish this training (sounds reasonable, eh?). This is what the board said (so what we are doing), but we’re going to need some serious back up on that one to convince the students who want to go to Albania next week (which, oddly, I learned from a student at the neighboring university—which means it’s already been decided among those who will make the decisions). and thirty against three foreign women—well, it’s probably not going to be pretty). this meeting is monday and I’m already really nervous. because if we (three staff members, non-citizens, non-political) can be intimidated by these guys, how can we expect students to stand up to them?
but seriously. how?
today it frustrated me to the point of tears—and I became upset not only by feeling totally stuck, powerless to change things, but terrified that I’ve given in to this way of thinking-a way of being totally foreign to me. powerless? how can I feel that? write it? speak it? believe it? and yet where do I find empowerment?
and so, I’m waiting for an epiphany.
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